Well it’s Christmas again, so you’re about to read the Barwich Christmas letter (yet again). Now while I admit that this particular starting sentence has been used before, you have my absolute and categorical assurance that I will keep cut-and-pastes to an absolute minimum.

As we left our hero (me, remember) last year he was concentrating on becoming the world’s number one Lazy Fat Bastard, complete with dole payments, lots of beer, etc., etc. All he really needed was a television and his world would have been complete. Sky sports all day, and the adult channels in the evening. Well, as you know we are fundamentally and philosophically opposed to the very concept of television in the home. They rot the brain, distract the children, and deprive adults of any reasonable opportunities for censorship. I mean how can you hope to bring up sensible, god fearing children if you pump all that CRAP into them 24 hours a day. I mean, would you let the dirty digger (Murdoch for those of you not old enough to remember) baby sit your children? And it’s not just the dramas, with all their effing and blinding, their irresponsible sex, and mindless violence. Oh dear me no. It’s on the news, the sports channels, the documentaries, and even the comedy shows. I mean, that father Ted, or rather his housekeeper, with her feckin this and feckin that; I don’t know what the world’s coming to atall (atall) (local colour).

So anyway, in light of all the above, we felt we couldn’t resist the tide of progress any longer – and anyway the kids wanted one. So now we have widescreen, digital, satellite, stereo, teletext: the lot. And guess what? We almost never watch it. (However the same cannot be said for the kids who discovered how to find MTV and the Cartoon channel within seconds of installation.) It’s like the Sony advert says, “so simple a 36 year old can work it”. Actually I was considering introducing a review of the world’s advertising into this letter, partly to allow me to share my wisdom with all you good folks out there in somewhereelseland, but mainly to fill up the page. For example, “Buy one and you’ll understand”. I was smart, I leased one and dumped it back in months. “That’s why all BMW’s steer with the front wheels and drive with the rear.” Well there’s 2 hidden subtexts here of course, driving with the front and steering with the rear is only any good for fork lifts trucks, and secondly all those BMW’s with Rover badges on steer and drive with the front wheels. But they don’t actually mention that.

However, back to being an LFB. It was too late. The TV that is. By the time it had come, I had gone. Back to work. I must say it’s great to be back in the saddle again making small but vital adjustments to the smooth running of a giant industrial conglomerate. Wheeling and dealing with the captains of industry. Jet setting around the world, staying in luxurious and exotic places, privy to the secrets of ministers and potentates. Ah the adrenaline rush of power. Actually, to be perfectly honest, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. To be even more honest I’ve been exaggerating just a little back there. But anyway, the company is Delta, based in Taiwan, with offices all over, and they’ve let me work from home, that is when I’m not sitting in economy on some 12 hour flight. Suddenly the lure of jet setting seems just that little bit less intense.

Ok, enough about me, let’s get to the bit you’ve all been waiting for: - Barwich’s review of the 1999 world news. Actually, I can’t resist it, this year we’re going to take a look at the whole millennium. In 1202 Fibonacci published Liber Abaci in which, probably for the first time, the sign 0 (zero) is used in the West. It’s curious that we all believe we use the Arabic numeral system, but the Arabs use an Indian numeral system. Funnily enough that never made the top ten in polls for the most significant event of the millennium. In fact if a poll was held now I guess David Beckham’s 8 month driving ban would figure well up there in the top 20. Clearly the most significant news item of this year is the culmination of the peace process in northern Ireland. What proved, once and for all, that agreement and harmony now reign, was the unanimous passing of a bill to increase politician’s salaries by 30%. No dissent, no sectarian violence, just calm, reasoned agreement. I suspect we’d all have been better off if brother Blair had just bombed ’em all back to the stone age, Kosovo style. Talking of which, when are we going to go to war with France again? It’s been a long time, though maybe someone remembers that one of the last times we tried it, it lasted 100 years, which is tough to sell in a sound byte age. Finally a proud mention has to be given to NASA. Mixing up imperial and metric units indeed. Think about it, if that is the best excuse they can come up with, then how bad must the real story have been? I often have debates about whether they’re out to get you (the conspiracy theory) or whether they just get you by accident (the cock up theory of existence). With stories like NASA’s can anyone really doubt the cock up theory?

Kids are getting older. Stephanie is now sweet 16. Note I didn’t say ‘and never been kissed’. Those of you who were paying attention last year will recall I mentioned even then that she had discovered boys. Surprisingly it does not seem to have completely stopped work in all other areas, so perhaps there is life after the discovery after all. I hope so because Sophie (14 in January) has made the same discovery. In her case it’s in Junior cert (GCSE) year, so she needs to keep up at school, which, thankfully, she seems to be achieving. Sebastian, (11 next March) will be thinking seriously of his next school the next time I write this letter. When children leave can pensions be far behind?

Be good.

Just a little word from me.  Life has been sweet really this year, we had tough times and beautiful times, in balance we did well. I juggle between managing the household and translating and interpreting quite well now, the children are all taller than me and beautiful and healthy, the jobs I do have become more interesting, thanks to Internet my clients are worldwide and I can decide my price and my job. Happy Christmas to you all.

     Peter and Annie Barwich